Swimming Against the Current

Oh, if things were going well and continued going well, there wouldn’t be any opportunity for struggle. Lately I have felt like I am going nowhere, just thinking a lot, and it is beginning to wear on me. My weight has not budged in the last two months. Well actually, I take that back – it did go up about 6 lbs. as of last week. I was assured by my trainer that this is because I am building muscle. However, I do not lift weights often enough to be adding 6 lbs. of muscle to my body. Which tells me…. it is 6 lbs. of something else that I’m trying to get rid of.

Sit back and imagine yourself in the following situation: You spend x amount of time painting an entire wall in your home. It is tedious, it is uncomfortable, and you would rather be doing something else with your time. After the wall is painted, you start painting the wall all over again because something doesn’t look right. You do this over and over again. Over time, you put so many coats of paint on that wall that it is beginning to feel ridiculous. But each time you paint the wall, it doesn’t turn out right so you have to start over. At some point you feel like simply saying, “Forget it” and walking away. Let the wall look awkward. You’re tired of the tedious job of painting over and over it a zillion times.

That is how I have been feeling. Not just with the weight loss, but every other aspect of my life. I feel tired of trying to change things and hitting brick walls everywhere I go. I am tired of trying. I’ve been told to not give up, but I am just so bored and ready to pull my hair out. Why go through the hassles if they do me no good?

Thursday I will receive blood and saliva test results to see what is going on with my body. If I have a low thyroid, I’ll know for sure on Thursday. Or anything else for that matter. 11 tubes of blood and 8 tubes of saliva ought to tell something. If I am a perfectly healthy creature and nothing comes up abnormal, then I will know it is obviously something I am doing wrong. I will be relieved to be able to rule something out medically because this has been going on far too long. I have worked so, so, so hard at losing weight for so, so, so long, and hardly a damn thing has even changed. Longer than the two months I mentioned above, by the way. That’s just the length of time I’ve been spending with my personal trainer.

Stay tuned…

Over the weekend, I received word that my ten-year high school reunion was in the works of being planned, and that the location of the event was potentially going to take place about 5-10 minutes from my home. For years, I swore I would never see those people again. Ever. I was very hurt and angry because of the way I was treated by so many people at school. Why would I want to spend any time with them if I didn’t have to? Don’t I have better things to do?

Of course I do. One of the better things I am doing is trying to heal my life. I do not want to spend my short time on this earth in a bitter, negative, frustrated state of mind. I do not want my past to dictate my future, nor do I want fear and doubt to hinder my efforts to move forward and become a bigger success. Many of my negative thoughts and feelings began as seeds that were planted years ago while attending school with people who did anything but leave me with a positive image of myself.

Ten years later, I have made the decision to face my bitterness and harsh memories head-on. It will not be easy and at some point, I am sure I will feel some regret that I ever agreed to do it, but in the end I will be able to say that I was strong enough to do it, and that it was nobody’s decision but my own. I have decided that I indeed will attend the reunion, and I even took it a step further and volunteered to help out with planning efforts since the location was so close to where I live. Well, how about that?!

I was already on a diet/exercise program before word of this reunion ever came about. So getting into shape for the reunion is not an issue for me. I would not want to just get into shape for the reunion anyhow; I want to get into shape for me. Every time I work out, whether it be doing my cardio or lifting weights, I already feel stronger and thinner after I am done. I have endometriosis which causes me pain at any given moment, and even though I cannot do much about it, I can still continue to take care of my body in other ways. It is tempting to sit and do nothing, especially when I am in pain, but as my trainer Christine has asked me many times, “Would you rather have the alternative?” The alternative being, of course, overweight, unhealthy, depressed, and a whole other mess of feelings that I battle against in my mind on a regular basis.

My answer to that question is always “no.” So if I don’t want the alternative, then there is only one thing to do: go the other direction. The direction of hope, healing, faith, acceptance, positive thinking, and good physical health. And they are all tied together – each has something to do with the next one. Anyone who reads this blog is welcome to come with me on my journey. Having a travel buddy is usually helpful, anyway.

I was listening to the teachings of Joyce Meyer over the weekend, and one of the things that she said (which I have actually heard many times before since I own the CD set!) is that you have to learn to sit before you can stand, and you have to learn to stand before you can walk, and finally you have to learn to walk before you can run (the title of that particular CD was “Run Your Race”). So many times, people (including myself) want to go from the position of laying down to running. Try running from a position of laying down. It doesn’t work, does it? All you are doing is kicking your legs in the air.

What she went on to say is that everything is part of a process. If you are trying to better your life and you have been in the position of “laying down,” you have to do things in steps. I struggle with an “all or nothing” personality. I want to go from where I am at right now to where I want to be without anything in between. I want to go from zero to perfection overnight. Instead of moving toward perfection, I stay stuck at zero because I am expecting the impossible out of myself. Then I become frustrated, demotivated, and depressed – and I resume my position of “laying down.”

What if I took the energy that I put into being depressed and frustrated and angry, and put it into the reverse direction of positivity and hope? What if I went from trying to “run my race” from the position of laying down to just trying to “be seated” on my way to learning how to “stand?” And where did this perfectionistic way of thinking ever come from, anyway?

We interviewed two more people this morning for that same boring position that I referred to in my last post. The first was a woman who did not strike us as being very positive or motivated, and I noticed she did not smile much during the interview, even though she possessed enough knowledge and experience to do the job well. The second was a woman who seemed a little bit more upbeat and did not say anything negative about anything. My co-workers were largely impressed with her confidence and ability to answer the interview questions thoroughly and intelligently. I am glad I was able to participate in this and be on the other side of the table where I can see first-hand what goes on behind the scenes. I want to be the positive person that is confident and attractive to potential employers when it comes time for me to move on to something else. But before I can be that person that somebody worthy would like to hire, I have to learn to sit before I can stand. Most importantly, I have to be happy while doing both.

We interviewed two people this morning to come work in our department. The position is very boring; basically, the person will be sitting in front of their computer all day cutting and pasting text and pictures on our site. Any idiot who knows how to turn on a computer can do this job, so I still don’t understand why such extensive interviewing is required to select an appropriate individual for the job. During the second interview, my supervisor told the candidate that there were plenty of opportunities to grow within the company and learn a lot of new things. What?!, I was thinking. The only thing that has been growing for me is the sensation to park my foot up everyone’s ass in this room who seems to forget that I work here and can serve a greater purpose than changing the price of a silicone spatula from $5.99 to $7.99, or scanning in a copy of someone’s invoice and e-mailing it to them because it didn’t go through the first time.

Last week a man came into our office to work on my computer, and sat here and harassed me for approximately 45 minutes straight. I tried defending myself but it just egged him on even more. My co-workers did nothing in my defense (two “men” that I sit next to), which probably hurt my feelings just as bad. If that guy comes in here again and does that to me anymore, I am not going to sit quietly and take it anymore. He has a lazy eye (and I normally would never insult anybody’s handicap in this manner), so I think the appropriate response for the next time would be, “Shut the hell up before I slap your eyes straight.”

I am fed up with feeling like I am standing in stagnant waters. I lose more energy through doing nothing than doing something. I envy people who have a full plate before them during their workday. It must feel good to have a purpose and to feel needed. I don’t feel either of those things at this job. I don’t know how much more I can take before I pack my bags and run far away from here.

This is my first real blog. I am shy to write about anything because I don’t know who will be reading this. Once I get used to it, I will write more. This blog will detail my daily thought processes, as they are ever-changing and are very close to declaring me legally insane. Many times a day, I fondly think about running away to Mexico or somewhere else that is not here. I haven’t realized yet that I can’t run away from myself. If I would just learn to like myself a little more, it wouldn’t be so bad. The currents that I am swimming against are the destructive thoughts that my mind produces. At the moment, I feel like I am writing a letter to myself. Is that what blogging really is?