“I’m going slightly mad…. it finally happened….. I’m slightly mad….. just very slightly mad….”
Those are the words I am listening to right now on my iPod. The song is “I’m Going Slightly Mad” by Queen, and the song is a perfect match for my mood. Except this time it is not because I am going mad as in homocidal. Today’s post will be different.
I just burst through a very thick mental barrier this morning. The barrier labeled “guilt” and “inadequate.” The barrier that houses voices who scream obscenities and insults at me every day, telling me I’d be better off not getting out of bed each morning than to go to work and take up space and collect a paycheck each Friday.
No, these voices were silenced for the moment as I realized the guilt is not all of mine to bear. It was an explosion, a clap of thunder, a pop of fireworks as I saw for the first time that it is not totally my fault what has been going on in my life (note that I said “totally.” This means I am not passing all of the blame onto everyone else. But I am surely passing a lot of it).
Then came the explosion. The explosive realization that yes, I am still capable; yes, I am still talented; yes, I am still artistically inclined; no, I did not make a mistake when I decided to enter this field; no, I do not work in an environment that is going to inspire me in any way that I need as a designer; no, I do not work with individuals to bounce ideas off of or who will feed my hunger for connection with brains similar to mine; yes, it is VERY difficult for ANY designer to work in an environment such as this; and YES, I should feel even more intelligent and talented for being able to come up with all that I have done up to this point being that I am in one of the most non-conducive atmospheres to any artist for eight hours of each day.
Oh My God. Oh My God – either You have opened the skies of Heaven and showed me this as I look up to You with tears streaming down my face, or I have finally developed bipolar disorder and have simply entered into manic bliss. I believe in my heart that being slightly mentally unstable caters to creativity, so either way, God – Thank You for today. Maybe this is just a moment You have given me - a relief from my self-destructive thoughts, the absence of the creative process, the constant guilt – oh, the constant guilt – the inadequacy, the paranoia…. the everything….
Lord, are You speaking to me right now? I believe You are. The song that is now playing on my iPod is “Desnudate Mujer” by David Bisbal, one of my favorite Spanish singers. In English, this translates to “take off your clothes, woman,” (although for some reason it sounds much better in Spanish). This song talks about infidelity and giving in to temptation and losing your sanity at the same moment.
Today, the Lord has told me to strip off all of what I have been clinging to and carrying and wearing. He wants me to see the woman I really am beneath it all; He created me with His own hand and no matter what is going on around me, I am who I am beneath it all. Strip me from this hell, my Lord; strip these chains from my hands and feet and the receptors in my brain that bellow nightmarish thoughts to my neurons day in and day out.
Cleanse me, Lord. Push me to give in to the temptation of remembering who I am and who I was and who I will be.
(More from this song….)
“Conoceras la libertdad….” You will know freedom.
“Entregame tu sed…..” Bring me your thirst.
“Bebe mis ganas infinitas….” Drink of my infinite desires.
“Robare tu santidad……” I will steal your sanity.
A song based on such immorality and hellbound lust has just been transformed into one of the most luscious, colorful, loving things that God could have said to me today. He took a song that I ironically listen to all of the time on my iPod and used it to speak loud and clear directly into my eardrums. He spoke with such intensity and desire for my understanding and clarity that for once, I have no further questions for Him. Instead, I am limp with slumber and am typing this now with heavy eyelids and tiring fingers.
The skies opened and all of a sudden, I was alone in this room. The three other occupants in the vicinity had vanished; the air became visible and I was basked in a vivid sunlight that only I could see. However, it was not a light that was visible to my eyes – but rather my heart. The dams of insecurity and desperation had been broken, and my spirit from years past and years to come flooded through like…. like nothing I have ever seen or felt before. If there were ever such a thing as a spiritual or mental orgasm, this was it. It was mind-blowing and near-death for just a fraction of a second without the physical response.
Pam warned me a long time ago that someday I would release everything that has been penned up inside and experience a creative explosion. I never dreamed it would happen at 11:15 a.m. on a Monday nearly five years later. I am sure this is just one of a series of explosions that are soon to follow.
Thank you, God, for letting me drink of Your infinite desires for my life and my path; Your Will for me and the soul that this borrowed body houses on Your magical Earth. I pray that this magical experience will occur over and over; whether You have blessed me with a sickness or a revelation that has finally shown me the way, I have finally tuned in and fallen to my knees in Your presence. I thank You again and again, my lovely Savior…
