The burn. It woke me up this morning; this weighty feeling in the pit of my stomach, followed by an internal scream that it was only Thursday and time to go to work again. It carried itself from my stomach on to my arms and legs, and then my heart. And then my face.
This was a burn I had not felt in a while. It alternated from limb to limb, organ to organ, bouncing from my brain to another part of my body like a pinball machine. My brain would think something and the burn would follow. Brain, burn. Brain, burn.
By now, I am confused. Then I feel my mood souring. I literally felt the corners of my mouth sag downward. I drudgingly got in my car and drove to work. In silence. No radio. No window down.
I arrived at work and sat in my chair. By now, I was burning all over on the inside. Loud Typer arrived three minutes earlier and was already gracing the office with his over-achievement, which is only masked with either ear plugs or an iPod on full volume.
Soon the burn stayed concentrated in my face, and I must have looked like the saddest person in the office. Notice I said “sad” and not “sick.” By now, you must be wondering if I’d woken up with the flu. No; in fact, I’m healthier than I have been in a long time.
Most of the time, my life of solitude is not a problem. I live alone, I sleep alone, I work alone (I might as well, anyway…. I share an office with non-talkers with exception to Loud Typer/Loud Breather), I work out alone, I drive alone. It is so rare that someone rides in the car with me when I drive, that it actually feels very awkward to me when it does happen.
Then there are the days where I feel the burn. Interesting how “burn” rhymes with “yearn.” It is also interesting that I am mid-cycle which means I have ovulated. Ovulation does a number of things to a woman besides spit out an egg that is waiting to be fertilized by the most competitive sperm. It reminds a woman that she is alone. Ovulation creates a strong desire to be with somebody. Not just sexually, either. And if she does not share this experience with the presence of a partner, she will find a substitute partner that will suit her for the time being.
Every woman has a unique substitute partner that she finds, be it shopping, drinking, drugs, sleeping, or random sex partners. Mine is food. Now I am at the point where I have to decide if I wish to sabotage all that I have been working for these last few weeks just to satisfy this burn that keeps circulating through my being endlessly. The answer should be obvious, but it isn’t easy.
I understand that God created us this way. It was part of His master plan to create the woman’s body in such a way that she would be well aware of when it was time to conceive. Of course He would make it so she is at her peak sexually at that time of the month, that her desires would be heightened, her thoughts would be racing, her body would be relentlessly burning, and her quest for partnership would continue with or without her participation.
But what about when you’re alone? And there will be no conception? No union? No partnership? None of the above?
