I feel trapped in this job. Whatever I do, it is just never good enough. And the people who have to “approve” of my design don’t know what the hell they are doing. I just hate it here. It makes me physically ill having to show up here every day. I am absolutely exhausted after trying so hard to make the best of it. I wish so bad it were Friday.

At the same time, I feel like I am just not qualified to work anywhere else, and that I had better stay here because I have good insurance coverage which I will need in case I have to have one more operation. Part of me secretly wishes that I would get laid off so that I would simply not have to come in here anymore. This is not the rational part of me who considers finances and other “perks” of this job, of course. Everything about it is good except for the actual work that I do. Which isn’t saying much, really.

How do I stay sane by leaving a place I despise each day, only to return home to a place of solitude and chaos (because I am a clutter queen)? That is easy. I don’t stay sane. And it is probably evident within five minutes of speaking with me. I can only imagine what my co-workers think after spending eight hours a day with me in the office.

I about lost it today when Loud Typer was morphing into BeatingTheKeyboard Typer, so I finally said something. It was so annoying because I was trying to talk to someone else, and Loud Typer was banging really hard as if he were trying to get someone’s attention. I looked over at him, watching him being so aloof to the rest of his environment and those in earshot, and asked him, “What are you doing??” He took his headphone out (obviously part of the problem) and said, “What?” I repeated my question and he said, “Just modifying a product page” or something like that. I said, “You sound angry over there” and he did not respond. Just kept banging away. I figured that’s the type of response I’d get.

I feel like my brain is bleeding. I think about so many things at once that I just can’t accommodate anything after a while. I feel under-appreciated, under-stimulated, laughed at, talked about, rejected, and overall disliked by the majority of my work peers (which is really just a few people). It could all be in my head, but that is how I feel. I feel like my supervisor does not trust me with important things and anything he does trust me with, he has to hold my hand through it and double and triple-check everything I do for quality control.

I have become so lazy at this job. I was not this way when I began almost 4 (ugh) years ago. I cannot believe I have spent almost four years here. It makes me sick thinking about it. But at least it hasn’t been 20. If my income and insurance were not so important, I would have left a long time ago. Like two weeks after starting.

Maybe I just need a hug.